What a spectacularly terrible year it has been. What sort of hell on earth are we living in when I can’t even pick 10 films that I enjoyed that came out in the past 12 months? Here’s as close as I can get to making sense of what my eyeballs have processed. It’s a strange list for an equally strange year, but I stand by it despite the fact that it makes me seem like I’ve had a mental breakdown.

The Best Movies of 2011:

1. Rise of the Planet of the Apes: What an exhilarating roller-coaster ride of a film this is. I never thought I’d see the day that I enjoyed a film with computer generated characters so immensely. Also, fun fact, a lot of this film’s exteriors were shot at Columbia & 10th Avenue, VANCOUVER, BC, CANADA (RIGHT ACROSS FROM WHERE I LIVED!) and not only stars Jimmy Franco, but TYLER LABINE! (YES THAT’S RIGHT: JIMMY FROM BREAKER HIGH. HA! take THAT Ryan Gosling - who was also on Breaker High, but failed to be in a film that I enjoyed this year. YES. Take that INDEED.)

2. The Muppets: If you think you’re too cool to see and enjoy this movie, frankly I don’t care to know you. It had me laughing so hard I cried, and I sort of cried for real out of nostalgia I didn’t even know I had. If it’s still playing in theatres by the time you read this grab someone you don’t hate and GO WATCH IT! You will not regret it. Even the most jaded, uncaring old bastard can’t help but love this.

3. Friends With Benefits: Let’s get one thing straight. I hate chick flicks, I hate romantic comedies and I usually don’t care much for shiny Hollywood flicks, but this year I don’t know what snapped in me, or what sort of crazy pills I’ve started OD’ing on, but I sincerely love this film. I’ve seen it twice now, just to double check that I didn’t momentarily lose my sanity, and YES, it’s delightful and hilarious.

4. Dogtooth: (yes technically this is not from 2011, but it only came out on dvd this year) OK FINALLY, a film in my top-5 that sort of makes sense for me: What happens when a Greek couple decide to never let their 3 children out of the house for 25 years and basically raise them wrong as hell? A beautiful, disturbing and somewhat hilarious depiction of a family so dysfunctional it will make your own issues seem pathetic. Oh boo-hoo you’re your own sister? BIG DEAL! TRY NOT KNOWING THERE IS AN OUTSIDE WORLD YOUR ENTIRE LIFE UNTIL YOU SECRETLY WATCH ROCKY: IV ON VHS AND LEARN TO DANCE FROM WATCHING ANOTHER SECRET VHS OF FLASHDANCE (this happens in the movie). This may not be making any sense to you right now, as I’m rambling on cold medicine and may be running a fever, but please just trust me, and rent it.

Honourable mentions:

The Trip: Watch 2 hilarious men drive around to different fancy restaurants as each attempts to out-do the other’s Michael Caine impression. Pretty great.

Cave of Forgotten Dreams: Werner Herzog succeeds again at making me obsessed with an obscure aspect of life on earth. Making me somehow feel simultaneously inspired and insignificant.

X-Men: First Class: Young X-men & X-men-ettes hang out in a GEODESIC DOME in the 1960’s while they try to defeat evil Kevin Bacon?! I love it.

Limitless: Rise of the Planet of the Apes is pretty much just Limitless with chimpanzees instead of Bradley Cooper. Enjoyable & ridiculous. Plus old useless Robert De Niro!

On the other hand, I had no problem selecting the cream of the crap: 

Worst Films of 2011:

Dishonourable Mentions:

Thor: What was happening in this fim?! Why was Natalie Portman there?? Pretty great if you’re in the mood to make fun of a film)

Somewhere: I never thought I’d say this, but Sofia Coppola may be getting lame. I’ll give her another chance before I decide to take her out back and shoot her though.

Best TV shows of 2011:

1. The Heart, She Holler: An insane 6-episode miniseries starring Patton Oswalt as a boy who grew up inside a wall who inherits a strange southern town filled with sci-fi and incest. A MUST SEE!

2. Children’s Hospital: Another hilarious season has passed of this great hospital-drama-mocking comedy-show and STILL NOBODY IS WATCHING. HILARITY from the mind of Rob Corddry. DO NOT MISS IT IF YOU ENJOY HAPPINESS. 

3. Portlandia: if you love making fun of Portlandians as much as you love gazing upon at the gracefully aging patina of Kyle Machlaclan’s beautiful face then watch this! Also features great guest-stars such as Steve Buscemi and Gus Van Sant!

4. NTSC:SC:SUV: The hilarious Paul Scheer wears a wig and makes fun of CSI-like shows along with a cast full of hilarious comedians and awesome guest-stars (i.e. Jeff Goldblum)!

5. Curb Your Enthusiasm: I don’t know how but each season seems to be better than the last. This show gets an A+ for featuring Michael J. Fox in the season finale. I won’t say any more but you will pee with laughter.

Honourable TV Mentions:

Boardwalk Empire & Breaking Bad: still the best big-budget entertainment on TV. Oh and don’t forget enjoyable fluff like Parks and Recreation and the heartier 30 Rock!

And now, I must sleep off this fever.
To anyone who has read this entire rambling nonsense, Mazel tov!!

I’m going here. Sorry. I promise to write more when I get back. 

Day 6

Reflections on: The Collector (1965) 

• I enjoyed this film immensely, it was also deeply disturbing… and really, isn’t that all one wants out of a good horror film? 
• Please do not confuse this film with the 2009 horror The Collector. They’re two totally different movies, and the new one is not a remake in any way of this one.
• This stars an extremely young and beautiful (see above) Terence Stamp as a man fond of collecting butterflies who one day, after much meticulous preparation and study, decides to collect himself a woman and hold her captive in his cellar.
• This is not a typical kidnapping story, it is not a torture film, nor is it exploitative, nor does it portray archetypical victim behaviour such as Stockholm syndrome. It is for all these reasons why I found it so particularly compelling and simultaneously troubling.
• Terence Stamp (who had previously only been in 2 other films and of course later went on to play loads of weirdos and oddballs) portrays the fundamentally disturbed kidnapper as polite and tragic. At certain times I found myself sympathizing with him, which terrified me even more. In fact I am still really bothered by this.
• This film is terrific, I suggest everyone reading this who has not yet seen it should immediately rectify that situation. I think the film is not widely known because it has suffered greatly from it’s terrible DVD-packaging. But take a look at the original poster, or the Polish poster! Great stuff. Especially the original tagline: “…almost a love story”. Chilling.

Day 5

Reflections on: Night of the Creeps (1986) 

• Let me start by saying: I really wanted to like this movie. After my friend hyped it up and I watched the trailer I was ready for a hil-scarious flick. Unfortunately, I found this one to be a bit of a dud.
• The film begins with midgets on a spaceship in latex suits running around; it’s bizarre, but I sort of wish there was more of it. 
• This film was obviously going for a Weird Science-ish type of vibe with the two main characters, however neither of them were really interesting enough for me to care about them, even as the nerdy underdogs they fell flat and boring. 
• The protagonist’s best friend (whose name I don’t remember, but will call Ol’ Crutchy - because he inexplicably and for no obvious character development reasons had wrist crutches) dies suddenly in the middle of the film - but before doing so he helpfully leaves a tape recording which explains how the alien slugs (yup) enter the bodies of their victims and zombify them. WELL THANKS BUD, THAT WAS HELPFUL. 
• The most enjoyable part of this film were all the horror effects, which were gruesome but in the best 80’s fake-head-splitting-in-half way.
• Watch this movie (even if you have to watch it at x1.5 speed to get through it all, like I did). It’s worth it just to know where the catch phrase “THRILL ME!” comes from… and where it leads to.  

Day 4

Reflections on: Them! (1954)

• Now THIS was a great film! It has some beautiful black and white cinematography, way better than all this new bogus crap. (i.e. Paranormal Activity - which I turned off after about 5 seconds. Bleaugh!)
• The first hour or so of the film is set in the desert in New Mexico which seemed to be the most damned eerie place I’ve seen in a while. 
• My favourite part of this film involves a little girl who is found wandering alone in the desert and remains silent and dazed due to the fact that she witnessed “them” killing her parents… she stares blankly directly at the camera until she is made to recall what happened through smelling a trigger element. She then - still staring straight in to the camera - freaks out and screams “THEM!”. It’s great.
• So the “them” that’s killing people in this film remains a mystery for about the first half hour… but SPOILER ALERT: it turns out to be giant ants that have mutated from residual radiation in the desert from atomic bomb testing. THAT’S THE BEST.
• This is probably the best horror film I’ve watched in a while. Not only is it a better than average monster movie, but it’s a film that plays off the 1950’s atomic paranoia too, which I loved. Great job, them!

Day 3

Reflections on: Insidious (2010) 

• Ok, so I finally found an actual horror film.
• I admit: the first 45 minutes of this movie had me covering my face with a blanket and clutching at my friend’s dog. I watched this movie around 1 AM on a rainy night in a strange, empty apartment. However, by the second half of the film I was bored, checking imdb on my phone, laughing at the ridiculousness of the plot, and covered in dog hair. 
• This film exemplifies all the reasons why I hardly ever watch new horror films. Filmmakers feel the need to show everything “scary” now, and provide unnecessary flashbacks to help the dumb audience along, where as older classic horror films (such as the original The Haunting) relied purely on spooky camerawork, lighting and dramatic music to create terrifying moods. I feel the latter approach to be far more effective, and any films utilizing these methods ultimately stand the test of time.
• The kitchen (in the 2nd house) in this film is IDENTICAL in layout and material (i.e. countertops) as the kitchen from Poltergeist, which excited me immensely. I especially nerded out when they put a piece of raw meat directly on the tile countertop just like one of the paranormal investigators does the same with in Poltergeist. This mainly just made me wish I was watching Poltergeist, as it is one of my favourite films of all time. Seriously go watch this instead. It holds up.
• What I learned from this is that families and houses are terrifying and I never want either of them. Also having a dog makes watching horror films way better.

Day 2

Reflections on: The Company of Wolves (1984)

• I’ve always wanted to see this movie just based on the DVD packaging. It reminded me of the transformation scene in An American Werewolf in London; however, these two films are not comparable. 
• Again it seems as though I’ve picked a movie that’s not quite a horror film. I’d call this one more of a fairytale fantasy with elements of horror.
• The script is so odd, the acting so wooden and the sets so artificial you’d think that Neil Jordan was attempting to direct an extra long, blood-soaked episode of Shelly Duvall’s Faerie Tale Theatre. Seriously look at this photo.
• Even though this film is full of some great imagery, I would not recommend it. Look at these bizarre pictures instead.
  
  
   

Day 1

Reflections on: Jacob’s Ladder (1990)

• This film is not really a horror film. It’s more of a Vietnam / mystery / thriller pic with a few twinges of horror thrown in for excitement. The horror parts are pretty great though; the rest… not so much.
• Don’t name every single character in your film after a biblical figure, it’s so god damned heavy handed and lame. 
• There’s nothing scary about a 10-year old Macaulay Culkin playing the protagonist’s deceased son who he loves very much. That’s just terribly sad! Why is this in here?
• This film was directed by Adrian Lyne - who was also responsible for such erotic gems as Flashdance, Nine 1/2 Weeks, Fatal Attraction, the 1997 version of Lolita and Unfaithful… so no wonder why there were so many tit shots when there should have been more shots of eyeless demons.
• Enjoyable cameos by: Jason Alexander as a frito eating lawyer, and Ving Rhames as a dream-ghost Vietnam veteran wearing a crocheted rainbow African yarlmuke. 

Well seeing as how last October I completely and utterly failed at watching & reviewing a horror film a day due to broken bones and fevers of 103º, I figured I might as well take another crack at it this year. So here goes nothing…. 31 days, and 31 horror films - all new to me. OMG I can’t wait. 

(I google’d “do over” and found this…)

 

Only one thing is certain: there needs to be way more Steve Buscemi on here.
(Click for full-size)